Swirls and Whirls

I don't know what to write about today. I've told myself that no matter, what once a day I would post on this darn thing. I have about 20 minutes left for me to make my post in this day. I have a lot of things swirling around in my head and am not sure what is worthy of my post. I'm drawing a blank. Many blanks. Dang it. Ah ha, I know. There has been a recent pattern I've been experiencing in the last week. I find myself in situations either with another person or myself in which I'm speechless in response with so much to say. What a paradox. I wonder if by saying anything when I don't know what to say is saying too much and not saying anything doesn't bring the self satisfaction I'd hope to have. I think what I'm trying to say is that, I have writers block. Shoot. Forget my tangent about patterns and swirls and lacking the ability  to properly articulating myself. So again. Lots on my mind and I can't get it out. I'll have to try again tomorrow.
                                     

The Basics Begin

I often wonder what people's incentive is. What's their motivation? For life, their career, for themselves. What is it that makes us decide what it is we want. Having asked myself that question as I typed it, I'm not sure that I can answer my own question. I'm thinking it has to do with the subjective definition of "happiness" and what it means to us individually. I'd like to say that for me, happiness means a successful career as a CRNA. I've spent the last 4 1/2 years jumping from major to major searching for the perfect fit. I settled on microbiology and neuroscience and decided that between the two I'd have no trouble getting into medical school. Of course this was after I was sure that English, psychology, sociology, and nursing were the perfect fit as well, 5th's time a charm?? It doesn't' matter now, what's important is that despite having to go back to school for my RN, I'm finally positive about something that I know will make me happy in my career. The dilemma now is, only fools are positive.

 Medical school wasn't a realistic option. It's very demanding and a great doctor I work with told me once, that unless you NEED to be a doctor, don't. I often contemplate that statement and try to understand what he meant. Who NEEDS to be a doctor? No one NEEDS to be anything when you think about it. We are forced to choose a suitable career for ourselves in order to make our desired life. I have no such complaints about choosing something I love to do to fill my time. Back to my point. Being a physician was a step up from nursing which felt like a settlement, and yet the next step up to me felt too demanding. Is there a happy medium? I'm sure it could be argued, but that's not really my issue. I know what MY happy medium is and with that, I will divide and conquer. (This would be a great point for me to bookmark and "CNTRL S" per say.) In 2 years when I'm chasing what I'm describing to be fulfilling, the happy medium will have consumed my life and drove me up a wall. And knowing me, in addition to my moving addiction, changing my mind about what I want will be to follow, (typical woman) and I will have convinced myself that another career will better suit me and my needs. I won't mention the fact that as a CRNA you get to sub specialize like a physician but aren't stuck in it. You take call, but have the flexibility with hours and share the responsibility with 50-70+ colleagues. The pay is more than generous right out of school, and you spend half the time working for the same responsibility. With that said, I'm realizing I've talked myself in a circle and for self soothing purposes only, I'm sticking to being a CRNA. It's more than enough for me and with that, I rest my case.

Beginnings

Here we go. I've never blogged about anything before. I've always been rather against the whole idea. I remember when I first got Facebook or rather a "MySpace", my mother asked me "is that that blogging stuff?" Being 12 and reading too much into her tone and immediately paranoid, my immediate response was, "NO MOM, that's not even close to MySpace". I just remember walking away thinking, what in the heck is a blog. Needless to say, through the years and personal curiosity I've explored and gathered that a blog is a page on the internet where you write either your most personal thoughts, experiences or give advice that you yourself are still trying to take. Either way, I have decided to indulge thanks to a very good friend and I'll be honest, I don't hate it.

I'm not sure where to begin or because I've written my first paragraph, maybe it's more of what comes next, what I am sure of however, is that "the basics" are always a good place to fall back on , mostly because it allows for doors to open and puts my mind more at ease that I'm going to be publicly displaying my life online. With that said, I think I'm ready.

I'm 22 soon to be 23 and have had a lot of great life experiences thus far. I live in a bubble of my own thoughts yet am an extroverted social overachiever. I enjoy spending my time with people. I've recently accepted that fact that I don't do well with alone time or when I have too much time on my hands, hints why I've taken the advice to start a blog, but rather, this is an outlet. A place where I feel comfortable to write things that I want people to know. After all, it is just me and my computer when this all takes place and that's what I must keep remembering. Isn't there a song like that, just me and my dog, or me and my…. something. It will come to me later.

I'm 22 soon to be 23 and we've established so far that even though I've made a blog, I'm not entirely accepting of the idea, nonetheless I'm following through with it. Along with that, we've summed up that I don't like spending too much time alone and enjoy the company of others, and I've indulged into yet another realm of the internet world. At this point, I'm realizing I'm pretty average. I'll take it.

I love to move even though I hate moving. I usually end up having some type of mental brake down and the people around me usually end up cleaning up my mess. Normally I give thanks and do a nice gesture, only because I'm addicted to moving, that's no longer sufficient for my helpers.  You see, for someone who loathes moving so much, it's practically my hobby. In the last 4.5 years, I've moved 8 times, and I'm getting ready to move in 2 weeks. My current location has been the shortest of all my stays. A whopping 6 months. Some people who know that their living situation are temporary will sign leases for that long or have plans for what is next. I however, am breaking my lease and moving 45 minutes away. After I've spent the last 4 out of the 6 months unpacking. In spite of that all, I'm excited to move. It will be a money saving, door opening move. Denver has opportunity, as any large city would and though this next move will also be short lived, it will have allowed for more time to make and set a plan that is tangible and realistic, because sometimes we have to take steps backwards in order to take a step forward.