Tuesday October 9th

Two lessons today. Scams are real and most things that I wish I could share with you aren't blog appropriate. I haven't laughed as hard as I did today, ever in my life.

This is now the second time I'm going to be writing out what happened today, because the first time I wrote it out I hit the wrong button and it all got deleted. It's sort of like what happened to the infamous Sunday the 30th's entry. The only reason I'm attempting it for the 3rd time now, is because the second time I tried explaining that it got deleted and that I would rewrite it tomorrow, I deleted that entry as well. This one won't be nearly as good as the first.

I got up early this morning. I striped the sheets and headed down stairs. Eileen warned me that Bowe's stomach was making an awful gurgle noise and she left the door open for him to go potty. Bowe is a 150lb white lab. I walked downstairs and dropped the sheets off in the laundry room and went to say good morning to all the animals. I looked up at Bowe and as he gazed at me with those big brown eyes his stomach let out a giant GGGGGGUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGLLLLLLLLGGGGGGGRRRR. At that point I took it upon myself to take him outside to relief him of his noise.

I went back upstairs, got showered and hit the road Jack. Left 17 minutes late, got there 3 minutes late, checked in on the left, sat on the left and waited. I soon was called back to have a test called a Urodynamic study. Google it. It would not be blog appropriate to share, but what you do need to know are 2 words. Cracktoyes and 99 red balloons. That's 4 words but no one actually counted. I will have you know that Az momma sent me on my way with lots of encouragement, a lovely 99 red balloons jingle to hum and lots of laughs. Ask if you want to know more.

Today was Jim's birthday, naturally that lead Eileen and I to be on the hunt for a birthday kitty. Now you see, I explained this story in great detail in the last entry and all that's going through my mind as I'm wanting to retell it, is that I should have just copied and saved that last one and I wouldn't still be up making myself do this. Ah. Okay, SO, LOOOONNNGGG story short, we got scammed by java the hut, who was pretending to be Jennifer Wells and tried to sell us a 500 dollar pure bred maine coon. The price shouldn't be the shocking factor here. What's ridiculous was that the post had been put up in Phoenix and we were then talked into a safe pet currier to ship the kitten to us in 4-5 hours. How stupid do they think we are? Wasn't happening. There are a lot of funny parts to this story that I wish I had the energy to retype. I really should have just hit the save button. I'm gonna do that now. Done. I think I might come back to this and add some detail later. The end result is that the real kitten owner's FB was hacked and after hearing that the cat was in PHX then it was in CA, it really was just in Surprise, yes I said Surprise, Az. So we drive 30 minutes picked up the CUTEST KITTEN EVER, rushed home with 3 minutes to spare and in the knick of time was able to present the still nameless kitty to Jim for his b day.

Before and while dealing with all of that. I had an appointment with Dr. A. Remember him? He was the one who asked lots of sex questions. See, now I rang a bell for you. He went over my blood results. Another moment I was wishing I had just hit save. He went over my lab results and told me that after my test of suppressing my cortisol levels, they didn't suppress. He was looking for numbers like 2 or 3 (normal being 7-25) and mine with the suppressing medicine was 27.6, way above normal even. He told me I could potentially have Cushing's Syndrome. Meaning their might be a tumor on my adrenal glands or pituitary glands. OH boy. He ordered an official test of taking the same medicine for 48 hours. This will help make the diagnosis. I went back to the waiting room continued to deal with the kitty drama, laughed, snorted and cried and went about my afternoon.

I wish I would have hit save. That reminds me, I'm going to hit it now. I can't believe this. I hit publish and now I lost that option. I better not mess this up. I think even though I'm bummed I lost my first entry, I'm mostly sad that I can't duplicate the humor and detail I put into it. More importantly though, I don't mind rewriting how I felt about today and really what I meant to me, because that is far greater than hearing about 6 catheters at one time in stead of the 3 I bargained for.

I laughed so hard today. I mean I laughed. Eileen and I laughed so hard I snorted. I cried. I was laughing so hard. I can only ever remember laughing this hard very few times in my life. It's amazing to me how I can get crappy news and have humiliating, painful, and blog inappropriate tests and still manage to have the best day. It's been so great to be in the company I am in. Eileen acknowledging the seriousness of what's going on and is constantly commending me on how strong I am, but she makes light and humor out of reality. It's refreshing. I love that I'm singing about 99 red balloons and fake peeing over cracktoydes. I love that I'm seeing that even though this is sucky, I can laugh at the same time. I think that I always knew that was possible, but it's not just about being distracted from what is in front of me. It's more of processing it because we are always making jokes over it. Don't get me wrong, there are moments where my heart is heavy and I'm feelings down, but I love the feeling of laughter over sorrow. I couldn't imagine if I didn't' have Az momma's influence, I think I would be going crazy. Literally.

I just know that I haven't had this good of a day in months. I'll take cracktoyes and 99 red balloons any day if it means I get to snort.


                                         The nameless maine coon scammed birthday kitten.

                                                                             Bowe

Are you reading?

If people are reading this please let me know... post something.. only because I don't want to be doing this for nothing. No offense... I like having an outlet, but let's be real there is a reason my last post hasn't been since March...

I have also reread some things and realized that there is a TON of typos. I'm so very sorry for that. I am slowly going back and fixing them.

KTHANKS!

THE ACCIDENTALLY DELETED SUNDAY SEPT. 30th

Sunday was a quick and dirty kind of day. Woke up early, fell back asleep. Got my act together around 11. Made me a nice mimosa and out to the pool I went. The dog lady wasn't home when I went out, but around 1pm when I had walked inside to get some water, she had reappeared. She said that the car she was borrowing had broken down or something of that nature, and she had returned non the less. I went back out to bake in the sun................an hour and a half later I woke up. Ouch. Now I'm not sure if at this point it was the sun and a mixture of everything else, but I was sick. 

I wrote this post and it got deleted and I'm not going to rewrite it--- but Sunday was a bad day and I'm mad because it got deleted and because of this day lol...

Just ask me what happened.

Monday October 8th

YAY- I'm finally all caught up.

This morning I did NOT want to get up, but I did. Boo. Went to the Mayo and had my autonomic nervous system testing done.  I had patches put on the left side of my body and monitors on my chest. They injected a synthetic acytecholine under the patches to see if I was going to sweat. I then did a shorter version of the tilt table test (oh BOY, we all know how much fun that was) they then had me do some breathing test based off a light, and then blow into this mouth piece. That's all and I was out of there. I went to the caf and called Maggie to chat. I'm excited, she's coming Wednesday and staying until Friday. We are gonna tear it up- not. When she comes in I only have one test.. It's Az daddy's b day thing in the evening. We might shop while she is here, I'm EXCITED! Friday is a busy testing day holy my moly.

They cancelled my CT scan today. I've been on the phone with the doctor many times today. I got my results from my blood test.. they came back positive for Cushing's Syndrome. They are to do further testing to confirm. That means I can't get a picc or port for a while. They finally figured out and rescheduled my MRI for my brain.. I'm hoping things will smooth themselves out.

This morning a lot of things were running through my head. My relationship, my family and how they are dealing with all of this, how much I miss my friends, and how for the first time in my life I'm doing me. I am not half assing it, I can't. I am away from everything, my life is completely on hold in Colorado and I am focused on fixing me. It's kind of crazy. My life is in shambles I feel like. This is causing tension on so many areas of my life not to mention that I really don't have a house to go home to. Sure I can stay with my family, but let's be real------ if you know anything about me, that's not the most desirable or first option that I'd find a great thing to be going home to. Doesn't matter, either way, it's a roof over my head and I'll be cared for.

Okay pause- they doctor and hospital has called now 5 times. They keep moving things around. THIS- THAT- THIS- THAT- THIS-THAT- ... FIGURE IT OUT. Okay I'm going to go get a Picc line, Oh wait not I'm not. OH MY WORD!

Anyways, people keep telling me not to stress about moving, but I am going to have to grow up when I get back. I don't even know what to expect. What kind of condition am I going to be in? When is surgery? Are they going to fix everything? I want to go to grad school, I want to move on with my life. OH MY WORD I'm going insane. Oh my. Not really..I'm bring dramatic.

I want a cool group of friends. The kind that hang out all the time. Maybe I'm wanting a better community. Or I am wanting change. I'm not sure. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon. In the mean time I want to go on a beach vacation and have a banging body. I want to be happy. I mean I am happy, this is coming out ALL wrong. I think I just got a wave of insecurity and am afraid I won't be fulfilled even if I go after what it is I do want. I think this is sounding more depressing than it needs to. Eff. My point is, I just am missing the normalcy of my life and am forcing to deal with the reality and seriousness of my health. Today it hit me, I'm sick and it's going to get worse before it get's better.

It's 3:21pm right now and I have lots more day left. If anything exciting happens I'll write again..I don't believe me when I type that... haha. YOU NEVER KNOW.

Thank you Az momma, momma bear, family, friends and everyone else.


........I'm needing some serious retail therapy. It's a good thing I feel bad about driving their car, otherwise I'd have those Frye boots in my procession- like last week. I NEED TO SPEND MONEY--- WAHHHH!




                                                    My Frye Boots. I'll have them by Friday.

Saturday October 6th and Sunday October 7th

Saturday:

 I got up early, went for a run, took a bath, watched some football, and took a nap on the couch. Woke up watched the Nebraska game, drank a few beers, Az momma combed the glue out of my hair and then went to bed.

Sunday:

 I woke up, went out by the pool and that's where I stayed for the next 6 hours. I would jump in and get out, cool off, and read about anesthesia. That's all.

At about 4:30 I came inside red as a tomato, took a shower put some aloe on and came downstairs to be social. I had a drink, we sat down for dinner, watched the end of sunday night football and that was it. I went upstairs to bed. OH--- I failed to mention that thursday night I got kicked out of my house.. Not really kicked out, but our one lovely roommate ended our lease early and I am to be out in 30 days. WTF!

It's a good thing I have great friends and family to move all my crap into a storage unit for the time being. Guess what this means...I am moving yet again. I loathe moving.

Thursday October 4th and Friday October 5th

Thursday I slept in. Az Momma went to the gym came home and before we knew it, it was time to scurry off to do my tilt table test.

I need to preface this day with the following. Friday at 12 I have an EEG. It's a sleep deprived EEG which means for the next 24 hours I can only get 2 hours of sleep. Yee-ha.

So I start off the day with my tilt table test. We are supposed to get a mani pedi and 1:00pm. When we arrive at the hospital, I went to check in on the left waited on the right and then asked the lady when she came out to get me how long this was going to take- she told me 2 hours. And that right there we waved the mani pedi goodbye.

Az momma went to run a few errands and I walked back with Mary. She brought me into this room and first things first had me take off my shirt put on this gown and she taped it- yes taped it should. She hooked me up to TONS of monitors, slipped my fingers into these mini blood pressure cuffs, strapped my arm onto this arm holder thing, covered me with a blanket and then brought in the nurse of an IV.

Here we go again. 5 people and 6 pokes later, they got an IV. Now the fun began. They tilted me up to a 70 degree angle and waited for me to pass out. 40 more minutes to go. No talking, eyes open, ready set go.

It just so happens that today of all days my mind is blank, why and how, I HAVE NO IDEA, but that's NOT OKAY. Anything I try to think about I can't focus on. I have no attention span at this point. The only thing I'm thinking that will keep me sane is counting. At least I have to focus and their is some type of order and tracking with counting. Every minute she takes down my vitals, so I start at 200 and start founding down backwards. Somewhere along the line I've messed up my pace because 7 minutes went by before I got to 0. Perhaps I should consider grade school again. YAY, my 40 minutes is up.. OH WAIT, now they are going to give me some medicine that speeds your heart up and tilt me back up for 10 minutes. Eh, whatever I can handle 10 after 40.

After 10 long minutes of heart palpitations, I was set free. OH- but not before Mary could vent about how boring that test was. Gee, thanks Mary, glad I could keep you entertained. K bye!

I found Az momma in the car and we ran to the store brought it all home and off to the Clinic we went. I had my appointment with Dr. W again to go over all my blood tests. Eileen had helped me write some questions out and educated and refined me on doctor educate. Speaking loud and clear, making eye contact, asking questions when they came into my head.. things of that nature.  I checked in on the left side and waited one the left side. "Kerina Readd" I stood up and we went to the exam room and waited for Dr. W. Az Momma and I were talking and started laughing, Dr. W blasts through the door and smiles bright, HI, I'm Dr. W, who is it that you have with you today. BLAH BLAH, yes you can talk in front of her. We go through the list of questions and over my blood results. So far the results are inconclusive for some things, positive for others, leaving her to make more initial consults with different specialists. At the end of all of that, she needed to do another swob...... I'll leave the rest up to your imagination- OH and she asked if I shoot up meth, yeah-NO!

By 5:30pm we were on our way home. We came home a few hours later had some veggies and  I found myself exhausted on the couch. Tonight just so happens to be the night that I will not be able to sleep. Eileen and I found ourselves at 8pm needing to cash in on those 2 hours of sleep and by 10pm we'd up and in it for the long haul. 2.5 hours pass and we get up. We watched some Fox news, played some cards, took some ridiculous pictures, ate a tomato and apple at 3am, texted momma bear with an hourly update and by 4, I had suckered her into a 10 minute power nap and an hour later she was up walking the dogs, I was showered and ready to do for that lab draw.

Friday October 5th.
Good times at the lab, 3 pokes and she got it, dropped off some urine and went to the gym. I'm sorry I mean "The Village." I got to experience housewives work out 101. Can I just say, I want to be a housewife now, kthanks.

Eileen went to her cross fit class and I ventured over to the treadmill. We started at 8am I had to make it until 9am until we went to go get mani pedi's. I ran just under 4 miles I'm not sure how, Eileen whooped her own ass in cross fit and by then it was time to go relax. I just have to make it until 12pm for the EEG. We went and go our nails did and FINALLY IT WAS TIME TO HAVE MY TESSSST!

Momma Az had fallen asleep in the care because 2 hours later she picked me up from had lines on her face-- mwhwha.  We took a little drive, laughed a lot, then went back to the clinic for more fun. I had my MR scheduled at 3:30. Checked in on the left waited on the right, filled out my pre-MRI sheet, called me up and to the back we went. After changing, 45minutes of trying to get an IV, Az momma went to the car. The tech brought me back - asked if I had any internal devices.. I said yes- she stopped me and told me that I needed to see cardiology the same day I had my MRI and that they couldn't do it. I got dressed they took out my IV and I stormed out!

I got to the car and AZ MOMMA WAS IRATE!! We put in a call to the doctor, called momma bear, made a trip to the liquor store and went home. We ordered in and both passed out on the couch at 7.

What the hell.



All night adventure.

Mani pedi without the pedi pic.

Wednesday October 3rd

Today is a wash. Az momma called the doctors who told her that they would just reschedule my appointments and I should stay home.

Az momma had a big luncheon thing today that she was dreading. Boo. She looked really pretty in her orange J Crew dress though. I slept in until about 7:30, got up, did nothing but blogged, got sick of writing watched some TV, by then, she was home again and brightened my day with her stories from these ladies at her lunch. MWAHAHAHAHAHH!

The rest of the day consisted of fast shopping for Megan (Az mommas daughter). We went to J crew bought her an ADORABLE outfit, quickly ran over to Nordstroms, grabbed some fab Kate Spade attire 2 new pairs of heels and just like that we were done. We jetted over to the UPS store and sent it off to Megan for her interview in the am. I hope she get's the JOB! :)

At that point we were famished, at some food at Houstons (they brought me a washcloth during dinner FYI).  Got home, sat down in front of the TV for about an hour, bonded with Az momma, then off to bed I went.


Today was a wash. Great.

Tuesday October 2nd

I'm tired of writing. I wouldn't be tired if I kept up on writing, but I'm not, so I'm having to play catch-up and I DON'T LIKE IT! WAHHH.

Tuesday, this will be short and sweet. Tuesday I met with the EP doctor after my EKG. He was on time, really nice but has weird teeth. I'm not judging him.

We sat and talked about my cardiac history, which as you know is quite extensive. He asked my about my current issues with my heart beating fast and then dropping low. Solo doe low... ha ha, that's a great song. Anyways, after lots of questions and me explaining my symptoms he lays it out on the line for me. It's either a medicine that's not FDA approved in the USA OR a pacemaker and cardiac ablation. I think when I heard that word my stomach just dropped to my butt. Ablation? No. Could this really be happening? No.  I've had 5 cardiac ablations with only the final one doing any good and even then we have had issues resulting from it. No, not another ablation. I just sort of stared at him when he said that and was left speechless. He looked at me and smiled and told me they he wanted to do some more tests and that we would talk about it at my follow up appointment after all of these tests. I took a big deep breath and told myself I couldn't handle this and walked down stairs. I went outside to FaceTime my mom. Needless to say, I think it hit us all hard and definitely want to avoid that at all costs. Go Big Red.


IMPORTANT**
I want you to note that at this appointment I had my loop recorder (an internal cardiac monitor) interrogated today (this is important information that plays a roll in Fridays drama.) If you don't know that means, it means that I had my internal cardiac monitor read and downloaded onto a computer so they could read and see my heart activity. For more questions if you're that curious- call/text me.


So from that appointment I took the shuttle over to the other campus and went to have some labs drawn and then met with the Endocrinologist. I made my way up to the 3rd floor. I check in on the left and waited on the left as well. Shortly thereafter I was taken back to the exam room. Dr. A was a big unpredictable at first. He came in not knowing a thing about me, spend about 10 minutes reading my H and P then reading and wanting to hash it out. He laid it all out on the line. We were to talk about the following, my periods or lack there of, my weight, sex, and sweating. So one by one we knocked them down. He explained that from my blood tests I have what's called PCOS, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome-google it if you want more information. As we moved on to talk about my weight he mentioned something about Cushing's Syndrome. He explained that often times PCOS can mimic the same symptoms and that he was going to have me take this medicine at 10pm SHARP and have a lab draw at 8am (note:that was going to be done from Thursday night and Friday morning).  So now after that he's ordered this test and a 24 hour urine. The only thing left to talk about was sex. The first things out of his mouth is, "how's your sex drive?" I'm sure this brown girl turned bright red, but let's be real, not something I talk about everyday with the doctor or anyone for that matter. At this point I'm going to end that doctors appointment visit. If you are so inclined as to know how that ended it's quite humorous.

About 4 hours later I spiked a fever was on my puking spree again, called the doctor and Arizona momma and I were on our way back to the ER.

This time our experience was much better. 2 times a charm this time for an IV, however someone wasn't thinking and sent lab in after to stab me again. I got some fluids kept puking got some medicine and was sent home. What a waste of time. The ER doctor told me that for my upcoming appointments on Wednesday I should just cancel the Rheumatoid appointment and reschedule when I was feelings better and to keep my urologic test. Boy oh boy.

We got home about 8. Az momma and I discussed tomorrow plans and off to bed I went. She was going to call the doctors for me in the morning explain that I have a fever and am sickly and ask them what to do.

Off to bed I went. Man I didn't like this day.

Monday October 1st

Monday seemed like a wash. I have a hospital hang over and feel like someone has just crumpled me up and then tried to straighten me back out, only my body isn't ready to de-wrinkle. I drove to my appointment that was in Scottsdale this morning was supposed to be having my autonomic nervous system testing today and my GI consult to follow in the afternoon.

I'm sure by now you know the drill- I checking in on the--------------------yes, you're right, LEFT and waited on the LEFT side of the room as well. As I sat there, I became more and more drained. "Kerina Readd", I stood up and walked over to this cheery woman. She took one look at me and asked how I was feeling. I explained to her my nights events and before we made it to the room she was telling me that I should not have this test done. She sat me down, had me talk to the scheduler, got ahold of my doctor and sent me home to rest.

I was lethargic and really just down in the dumps with everything. I came home laid on the couch and then got a phone call. It was my Arizona momma. She was checking in with me wondering how I was doing and what the days plans were. Now I want to point something out. I will make sure I have an entire blog entry just about her, but please... PLEASE know, that this woman is just about the funniest, genuine, light hearted woman you will ever know. Needless to say, she's telling me how awful she feels for not being around and then says, "hey!!! I'm passing though the town COLON"... we both just BUST OUT LAUGHING! (if you are reading this and work in the GI lab, you know how funny and fulfilling this is.) Any who, I just couldn't wait for her to get home, let the count down begin, 6 hours and counting, yay.

I laid around for a few hours, slept for a bit and then around 1 made my way back to the clinic and met with the GI doctor. She took one good look at me, surveyed the crap of me and said, I'm going to do a GI follow through, motility,  MRI or your abdomen and OH-- a double. I was just fine until I heard the word double. Now momma bear told me I wouldn't need a colonoscopy so you can imagine the first person I had on the phone--yes, her. The doctor immediately printed out my script for the long glorious Moviprep, BARF.. and sent me on my way.

After 2 hours in traffic I made it home, only to realize I needed to buy flowers for Arizona momma...back to Safeway I went. Got back home arranged a beautiful bouquet and anticipated her homecoming. About 30 minutes later she walked through the door and gave me a big hug. We stayed up that night laughing and exchanging stories about the weekends we had had. Good times, good times. I didn't think it was entirely possible to miss someone who you've only known for 3 days, but let me be the first to say--- it's POSSIBLE!


After really putting together my day- the only I gained from Monday October 1st was anxiety. The realization that I will now be one of my patients. eff em ell.


                                                               WELCOME HOME.

Taking a Moment to Breathe

After Sunday I really felt like I had hit a low point. I had been just starting to get the hang of how the whole process was going to go, what was to come, and how long I was actually going to be down here.  I haven't been that sick in such a long time. I felt like death was upon me. Not entirely, but I could imagine with the pain that I was experiencing. Needless to say, after experiencing the rude staff and trying to understand their cavalier attitudes I was really taken back by where I was. Could I really be at one of the best institutions in the world? I don't think so, not after that I sure wasn't. It was like being in Colorado again having these flashbacks of the lack of compassion and excellent medical care that should be given. This whole time, I've been trying to stay level headed and not get too ahead of myself when it comes to getting answers and really finding out what's wrong with my body. There is just so much going on and with all the positive feedback I was getting from people and the reputation of the Mayo Clinic I felt like it was only natural that I changed my approach and attitude about how I was going to get better and what that might actually look like.

The doctors here have been hit or miss. Some have been great, make you laugh, are personable, have a genuine feel to them, where others seem like they are working in a factory, so it's been tough trying to be able to really grasp how I feel about things and say that I'm having an amazing experience here, because so far I'm not. Things have been stretched out that every time I am seeing a physician they are ordering new tests and my itinerary grows about 4 pages. As of right now I'm scheduled out until the 15th of October.

My entire life is on hold and it feels like I'm in some vortex alternate reality. What's really going on here?

Friday Sept. 28th, Saturday Sept. 29th

Friday, Friday, Friday! It's now Friday and I started my day off at the lab. Earlier that morning before we left the house we did a bag check. "Do you have your itinerary? Do you have some water? Are we NPO today?" "Yes, yes, yes, no I'm not NPO, but let's go!" Eileen was on her way to Nebraska later that day and Jim was on his way to Europe for work for a week. So let's get this straight, I met these wonderful fabulous people, and then they are going to leave. I was happy for their trips however, because Eileen was going to visit her daughter that she adores and Jim was going to take care of some business, in Europe of all places! Eileen drives me to Phoenix and Jim follows, she gives me the keys to the car sends me on my way and her and Jim were off to vaycay land!

I make my way inside, check in, and have a seat on the right side of the room and am waiting my turn to get a blood draw. Soon enough an Indian woman comes out, scans my labels, and gave a good effort at calling my name. "Ca-ran-na Ree-ad?" I stand up and make my way over towards her. She greets me and brings me back to her station. I sit down. She looks at the computer and says, "you're Indian huh?" Let's keep in mind that she had a great accent and a huge golden smile. I looked at her confused and explained that my father is from Morocco and my name is not from there at all. She looked at me, just smiled and said, "you have a nose ring and look, ohm on your wrist, you're Indian." I just sort of turned my head a little, smiled and said, "no, but I would love to go!" She seemed confused, but continued to do her job and draw my labs. Before I knew it I was back in the car waiting for my next appointment that in an hour. I turn on the music, start texting my friends, and sure enough I get a call from the Mayo clinic explaining how they need more blood. So I made my way inside, checked in and found myself yet again on the right side of the room. 5 minutes later a petite asian woman calls my name, "Ca-enna We-ad", I stand up and walk over her way. We are in there blood draw booth and she is just smiling at me. She tires to draw my blood 2 times and can't seem to get anything. Before I know it I have my Indian friend walking by saying, "ohh, you'red bock!!" I just smiled. She gave it her best shot and 3 sticks later she filled 4 tubes of blood and I was on my way. Back to the car I went. **time lapse** I'm not upstairs waiting for a Urology procedure and appointment. I check in and wait on the left side of the room. A lady comes out, calls my name, gets my weight and height and to the exam room we go. Dr. G comes in, she is a younger FEMALE, yes I said FEMALE urologist. We sit down, discuss my history and she decides we need to do a series of tests, check out my tumor, and then we will can go from there. I was happy we came up with a plan, but confused because I never had my "urologic procedure". As I walk out of the office a nurse walks up to me introduces herself and explains that she's here to cath me. Well, you see, the doctor and I had just discussed that I could do it myself in the lab. The nurse was far to excited and said no, that she would just do it.

**If you'd like to know what happened please ask me, it's not blog appropriate** I will just say, it's by far one of the funniest and humiliating experiences I've ever experienced. Enough said.

Now it's about 11, I'm at the scheduling desk and miss Terry is chewing my ear off about how she used to live in Boulder, Co and how she used to run past deer and lots of fields, she worked as a dental assistant and hasn't been back to Co for several years. About 30 minutes later I'm trying to explain that I need to drive 20 minutes to the other campus for another appointment. Her final words to me are, Okay I have you scheduled out until the 15th, and then we will meet again after. HUUUUHHH???? I turned around in shock, put those words away and headed to Scottsdale.

The Range Rover got me safely to the Clinic and I checked in for my X-ray. Checked in on the left, sat on the right, and 5 minutes later I was changing into the biggest scrubs known to man kind. I traipsed out of changing area and sat in the chairs. A lovely young woman came up to me and brought me to 2 different rooms to do my X-rays and as she sends me on my way she looks at my itinerary and says, wow, you got a bad scheduler. You came all the way out here for these x-rays and now you have to go back to Phoenix for another doctor appointment. She seemed confused because they could have easily done them at the hospital. I just laughed and said, oh well, back to Phoenix we go. I arrive a little early. My next appointment is a GYN appointment. SO with that said, I will spare you the deets and leave the rest of your imagination. The only think I will say is this. Who knew Mayo gave HD video paps and ships the tapes back to Spain to teach the upcoming GYN doctors. Enough said. If you have questions, I'm up to answer any questions. That doctor ordered lots of tests and sent me to the lab. That makes 3 trips to the lab today and a total of 7 sticks for 15 tubes of blood.

With all that said, that completed day 2 at good ol' Mayo and I was off to the Pharmacy to fill my scripts. I got to experience Arizona traffic which was miserable. About and hour later I was home at last. Now with the Arizona rents gone, there was this woman and her family taking care of the dogs. She is this happy go lucky woman who has tons of energy. I met her and her family, sat at the table and tried to get to know her a bit. We talked about Colorado, Eileen and what she is going with her life.
About an hour later, I was emotionally and physically exhausted and decided to head to bed.

                                                            That lump isn't gauze...

TOO BIG!

Saturday Sept. 29th

I woke up and realized it's about 6am and I cannot be up at this hour. At this point all I can think about it Hillary and how she's getting MARRIED TODAY and I'm missing being in the wedding and watching this beautiful day we'd been preparing for. I'm super crushed it's bitter sweet and I just want to sleep. So I tossed and turned and finally fell back asleep at 9 and was woken up by this soft voice. "Karena, Karena, are you okay?" I woke up, realized it was 12 and first thing out of my mouth asked if it was sunny out. I had clearly forgotten where I was and let the black out curtains fool me. The dog sitter replied rather confused and said, "yes, yes it's always sunny here." Now that I feel stupid, I decided to lay back down and go back to sleep. About 5 o'clock, I remembered to needed to go get my scripts. I set out on that short lived adventure and returned home safe in one piece.

It's a Saturday night and I'm thinking it's time to spice things up a bit. I grab a naked juice and pour a little champagne in it and create the new Arizona drink of the month. I decide to come out of my hut go down stairs be a bit social, so I take my computer and plant myself on the couch in the living room and decide to video chat Maggie. The next thing I know the pet sitter and I are talking about "t" training, self confidence, God, and money. At this point I'm thinking, why not talk about politics, religion and foreign policy? The more talking she does, the more I'm starting to realize that she may be buzzed or drunk and she's trying to tell me her products. An hour later I'm not really feeling it anymore and decide it's time to turn in.

The most fabulous thing about my Saturday night was talking to Maggie and realizing that I was going to have the best stories for Arizona momma, and that is in fact is exactly what happened.

Thursday Sept. 27th

Thursday Sept. 27th:

Why didn't anyone tell me I went back an hour? 2 days ago Molly and I were just discussing about how there wasn't a time change. Boy, were we wrong. Normally this wouldn't be an issue however, I was wide awake at 5:30, that left me with 45 minutes to lay around and let my mind wander even more about todays upcoming events.

7:00, Eileen and I are off to my first appointment, she dropped me off at the Scottsdale Mayo location and went to go work out. I headed in the building intimidated as hell, but somehow excited for what was next. My original itinerary had 3 doctor appointments on it (Internist, Cardio, and Neuro) and a few tests. I made it upstairs, check in and am directed to wait on the left side of the waiting room. About 5 minutes later, my name is called over a loud speaker. I was greeted by a nice woman who took me back to meet Dr. W.

I walk into this exam room, and HOLY CRAPOLA, its HUGE. There is a giant bench that would fit  one of a half of me, an exam table, and a changing area in the corner of the room with a curtain. I think it just dawned on me that this is a place where we will chat, have an exam and do a little fashion show all at once. I can hardly wait.

Less than 45 seconds later, Dr. W comes storming in the door, introduces herself as she walks to the chair and sits down and promptly replays with, "what can I do for you?" In utter shock, I hesitate to answer, but slowly proceed to say, "well, umm, well, there is a lot of stuff going on." At this point, there are about a thousand things going through my head and more so, I'm pissed that she has no idea why in the hell I'm here, girl really? I just choose a place to start and off I went.

Nearly 15 minutes later, we were starting to make some progress. I felt like I was getting somewhere, I was answering questions, opening up, and all of a sudden she stops and says, "ask you okay, what's wrong?" I lost it. Why? GREAT QUESTION. I just lost it. I looked at her, tears swelling in my eyes, and said, "I'm sorry, I'm nervous, I don't want to tell you anything you don't need to know." She lifted her head from writing, stared at me for a moment and replied with, "you should tell me anything you think will help you." I just looked at her and thought to myself, I just need to recollect my thoughts and be thorough. My interview was soon over and my physical exam was to follow.

I made my way to the changing corner and found myself soon dressed in this sleeveless drape with a tie in the back that looked as though it was going to mimic a hospital gown. It had a seem at the shoulders and was generous in what it showed in the back. I wrapped a sheet around the lower half of me and made my way to the exam table. At this point things are extremely awkward. I've cried, told her I was homosexual, and now am sitting under these dish towels awaiting a long dreaded physical. Dr. W starts to make small talk about what I'm doing with my life, what my girlfriend does for a living, and how I like living in Denver. Now normally I would find this to be a generous gesture and answer happily, however knowing what was coming up, I was short and ended my answers with smiles.

I'll leave the physical exam up to your imagination, but if you're reading this, please just know, there is a story that is priceless. I had an experience that doesn't happen to anyone but me. Feel free to ask me at a later date if you are so intrigued.

I went and changed into my clothes, Dr. W sat down and explained some things to me, asked me a few more questions and ordered a weeks worth of consolations and tests. I immediately found myself blown out of the water with how in depth this was going to be and was sent out to continue onto my following appointments.

The way they have things set up here at Mayo is so effective. The lines on every floor are split. You stand on the left side of the rope to check in and on the right side of the rope to see a scheduler. After you check in they tell you what side of the room to sit on. When you leave your appointment and you see a scheduler, they hand you a pager, schedule your appointments, when your pager goes off you get back in line and they go over it with you and print a new itinerary and on your way you go!

So I got my new itinerary. It went from 4 pages, to 11 after one appointment. This was ONE PHYSICIAN, I had 2 more to see just on thursday. I headed to Cardio. Dr. A bolted through the door similar to Dr. W, sat down and asked me to yet again, spill the beans. I went over my medical history, he listened to my heart and said.. I think at this point you need to see a EP doctor and we are looking at a pacemaker at this point. My stomach dropped, he looked at me, picked up the phone to call his secretary and I was sent on my way. Back in the lines I went. I was now to travel to Phoenix and have some test done at the hospital and then seen neuro. I had an hour to spare, so my Arizona momma and I went to the outdoor mall, did a little looky loo and zipped back to the hospital for my appointment.

So there I was in the neurologist office, answering questions, explaining my symptoms and all of a sudden the fire alarm went off. The light started flashing and before we both knew it, this LOUD BEEP STARED BLARING THROUGH THE SPEAKERS. The doctor stood up and looked at me, said, "this has never happened before, sounds serious" he went to the door opened it and every other doctor was standing at the door with their patient in the room saying, what's going on. All of a sudden this woman's voice comes over the loud speaker and says, "Code Red, Code Red, there is a code red in that may effect the staff in this area." We started to evacuate and by the time we made it to where we needed to be, sure enough alarms stopped and we headed back to the office. After all of that, we decided that I needed more diagnostic tests and to meet after they were complete. Shortly after I went downstairs to get an echo and left the building somewhere around 5:30pm.


With all of that said, it was quite the first day at Mayo. From balling in the doctors office to fires in the hospital.. I could tell this was foreshadowing for what's to come.

Wednesday Sept. 26th

6 months has pasted since I've put some ink on this guy. I have decided to make yet another commitment to write once a day. I'm hoping this time I can hold me to it. More importantly, and in about another sentence of two, I will start sharing my journey at the mayo clinic with all you fine people. So consider this your warning, what I write are real experiences and prepare yourself for some personal boundaries to be crossed. Here we go!


Wednesday Sept. 26th.

The day started out rather caviler. I was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get some last minute things done. I woke up having to remind myself that I was getting on a plan in 6 hours heading to one of the most world renown  medical plaza's. I found myself running all around town. I went to work to drop off papers at employee health, got shot up with some flu, then was to drop off my keys to my mom. Here is where I hit a wall. The night before I gave my spare key to my car to Maggie and left myself with my other keys to drop off to my mom in case of her wanting to borrow my ride. As I headed to my moms it dawned on me, if I drop off my keys to my mom and Maggie has the spare, how exactly was it that I was to get back home? So now it's 10:00am and I am frantically texting Maggie to get my spare keys. Maggie doesn't get off of work until 11, she has an errand to run and then can meet me at my moms. At this point I'm realizing no better time to see my dear friend Hillary. She's getting married on the 29th, I was in the wedding, but can no longer make such date. Hillary has been such a support during this whole process. She herself has brain surgery, has a beautiful baby, and is starting her life with the love of her life. I couldn't be happier for her. Needless to say, I stopped by miss Hillary's house to say goodbye and get the latest on the wedding. About an hour or so later, Maggie was off work, we met at my moms, dropped of the keys and were on the way back to my house to do some final packing, changing of clothes and waiting for Martie to come and get me and head to the airport.

It's 1:30 Martie has scooped me up and we are on our way to the airport. Saying good bye to my friends was really difficult. I keep trying to just stay present in the moment and not let my head too far ahead of me. Martie and I laughed the whole way to the airport which was a great distraction, however, as she pulled up to departures, it hit me yet again that denial is no longer an option. The days prior to leaving I was able to mask some of the things that were going through my head. Needless to say, Martie send me off with words of wisdom, and giant hug and kiss and lots of love. What you don't know is that once I get to Az, I am meeting the infamous "wiener beaner", formally known as Eileen, Martie's sister. I have talked to her one the phone a few times, but really don't know what to expect. I know she has blonde hair, blueish eyes, a huge heart and loves the sun. I foresee no issues with a  fellow sun addict. :)

5:26 rolls around and I am finding myself walking towards baggage claim awaiting my introduction with Eileen. As I walk around the corning, she spots me. Her hand shoots up in the air and I see her smiling from ear to ear. I wave back and approach her. She greets me with "oh my gosh you are so cute", I smile, I'm taken back and say, "thank you, HI, it's so glad to finally meet you, you're too sweet." We head down to baggage claim, walk out to the car and head back to her casa.

About 25 minutes later we pull into her drive way and I'm in awe. I walk into this home that's truly so divine. She gives me a tour and that's exactly what it is. It's got to be close to 6-7,000sq ft. Either way, since the minute I've walked through the door Jim and Eileen have done nothing but try and accommodate me and the upcoming events. At this point I'm realizing this is going to be such a special experience that is going to change me not only physically but emotionally as well. I could stop there and leave you under the impression this whole thing is going to be great and I don't know what's next, and granted there is truth to that, let's be real, there was a little bit of fun before hand.

We get home and Jim (Eileens husband) was sort of stumbling around. Apparently he had been drinking by the pool all day and was feeling real loose. He was a FRIGGIN HOOT. So imagine this, a very incredible, naturally hospitable man- drunk. And I don't mean drunk, I mean HAMMERED! When we walked upstairs, Eileen was asking Jim what the temperature in the house was, Jim walked over past the pool table to what he thought was the thermostat. At this point I'm looking around in awe. The ceilings are huge and walls are beautiful, the decorations are out of this world, and low and behold Eileen looks over at Jim and LOSES IT! She's buckled over laughing and says, "honey, that's the music box!" At this point I just lost it and decided that this was going to be GREAT fun!

Up to bed I went. Got the lay of the land for the evening, made a plan for the next morning and laid down for some sleep. I have no idea what's next, but I have a feelings it's going to make for some great stories I can just feel it.

AIRPORT READY!!

Wrapped Around, Spun Around, and Pulled Down

So I think I've figured it out. I believe I can finally understand what it is that takes me so long to make my points and get into the meat of things. It's taken me all afternoon, but after being honest with myself and doing some hard thinking and negotiating, my talk with me has resonating inside for the last 2 hours and at this point, I'm saying all in. no holding back. here it is, out on the line.

I am afraid. I think I'm attempting to use this as an outlet and a place where no one who really knows me reads this with the exception of 2 people and so I feel comfortable indulging in my biased opinions and plastering them in cyber world. On the flip side I have this irrational fear that I'm writing for someone else who won't approve of what I'm typing, which is completely bogus. If I'm honest here, no one reads this darn thing which somedays is a major relief, but somedays a complete burn out. I guess I'm not sure what it was I was expecting to get from my 'blogging' experience, but I didn't imagine it would be like this. I put it on a pedestal and glorified what I was expecting. I suppose that's due to the fact that there is this stereotype with blogging, that it allows for mass followers and new stranger relationships to develop, and because I'm not experiencing that, I'm butt hurt. Sigh. Now knowing all of that I will proceed with this evenings post.

I am currently trying to put things back in order in my life. I'm standing at the fork in the road feeling as though I should probably start making some decisions, yet instead I continue to keep staring in both directions in hopes that a decision will be made for me. The only problem with that, is that if the right decision isn't made I will bitch and whine until it is, making the whole process a waste.
At this point I'm sure you're wondering what decision needs to be made, which presumably is a logical and rational question, that unfortunately lacks a mindful and heroic answer on my part. Yes, I am wondering what the fork is for and what it is I'm supposed to be deciding.
Okay hold on. I've confused myself. Let me piece this together. I want to put things back together in my life, I'm at a fork in the road and want someone to decide which way I should go because I am incapable of doing so, only if they make the wrong decision I will make such fuss that I will have ended up deciding . I then had hoped to give an explanation of what it is I was deciding about, only I don't even know what it is I'm deciding. MAN, I make no sense.

I think what I was trying to say before my defense mechanism kicked in and forced me to create a fumbling mess. The real issue lies in the fact is that I am unable to process any emotion and or react to it. It's like I've created the monster me. I have all these things happen and instead of leaning on the people I need I keep it inside. That can be a typical response for some people who lack trust for others. Anyways, this is about me, because if I start worrying about other people we will be here for another 7 hours. Okay- back to the thought process. I push my feelings inside and don't allow me to react because I am afraid. Of what? Feeling vulnerable, maybe but not really. If I had to make an inference of any sort it would be that I am afraid of what people will think. That I will be made more human perhaps. I can't find the logic in it, but it feels fitting. With that, if I actually talked about things that would me that I would have to deal with them, and apparently I'm too stubborn for that. I am hoping that I am able to sort thought this but in the mean time, I have a friend who's stuck to me pretty hard and seems to like to manipulate my mind. So in the mean time before I open my mouth but nothing comes out and inside I'm baring my face balling wanting someone to just force it out. I don't even know what that means. I don't even know how I want it out. I just … I'm longing for something. Sometimes I wish Molly would do it. She has once, but now I'm harding my shell. I am unable to cry and make me talk to me. I only hear my voice.

So back to the start. This isn't working. I figured out what the problem is, but now I am lost of how to fix it. I'm dwindling down. and my head seems too heavy to lift up. So smiles and laugh shall continue. I'm an adult. I can do this right?

Just a Little Lost Thought

I'm back. This time with a little less insight of the OR. I have shared more joyous experiences in the OR in the past week and a half, I had the luxury of being distracted by my work and no longer drowning in on the dynamics, which is probably better for us all.

I know I said that I wanted to get something off my chest last time I wrote and I also mentioned how I was probably going to do a double post, I think we all knew that wasn't going to happen. I am here now with every intention to write about something worth paying attention to as I write it, which you should all know, that's half the battle. Most times when I write I seem to think I have these really profound thoughts and ideas to share, but half way through trying to figuring out how to arise and properly ease into the topic, I get stuck in my word vomit and lost thoughts that I'm no longer sure are making sense. Geeze oh Pete.

I am going to work now and while I'm there I will ponder on how to cut the crap and say something worth reading, because I'm tired of reading the nonsense and missing my own points.

The Unfinished Analysis

I still seem to struggle with how I want to start off my mellow dramatic entrance when writing a new post, I lack the ability to ease my way into a new great topic that I hope captures my own attention as well as all the people that don't read this. That's besides the point. 

This week I've started working in the OR. Let me be the first to say it's true, they do eat their young. I had hoped that yet again I would be that exception to that (I seem to had this un-conveyed notion, that I'm an exception to just about everything. Why? I haven't the slightest), however, no such things are true and I am just another "number" per say. Besides the point, the staff in this OR is attempting to make me their next meal. That may be a bit of an exaggeration. 

The OR is a place where everything is based on persision, effectiveness, and the ability to achieve the best medicine for your "prepped field", or what some people like to call patients. Surgeons are an entirely different brand of people. In fact, each individual OR staff member has their own stereotyped category. Allow me to brake it down. Surgeons: the doctor that preforms the surgery, they are either removing, adding, braking and repairing, or exploring inside the body. Surgeons usually are "intelligent, conscientious, creative, courageous, and demonstrate perseverance on behalf of their patients. Being a good surgeon is a life-long process, and must thrive in the surgical disciplines and seek out all opportunities to go to the operating room. Surgeons must also be flexible as the surgeon’s day is rarely predictable. This volatile environment must be seen as an enjoyable challenge". Then you have the Anesthesiologist, or best known as the "sleep doctors". The best way I know how to describe them are, anal, controlled, quick acting, possess exceptional judgement and generally excel in clear communication. They are the ones controlling the patients airway and in a sense are the lifeline of the patient until surgery is over. They have the task of breathing for the patient and are able to give the surgeon the "go" to cut, and are the last ones to make the call if the patient is able to safely breath on their own and continue the recovery period. Then you have your OR- RN's. They are a whole other species. Here is my complete and utter bias opinion. THEY DON'T DO CRAP! Okay that may have been a bit harsh. I know they make sure everyone else is doing their job, and perhaps they do all of the legal crap with the charting, but I want to know who's hands are in the grime and who's  making sure everything else is taking care of. Awh, yes, that is the OR techs and Peri-Op Assists. Now, let me explain before you jump all over me. the scrub tech is working hand in hand with the surgeon, in other words, essentially is an extension of the surgeons brain. That to me is the real work in a surgery. To follow is non the less the peri-op support tech who makes sure the patient is safely on the bed to go to the PACU and prepares the room for the next surgery. So there you have it, the OR in a nut shell. 

Now you can imagine with all those diverse personalities there is bound to be conflict. Like any work place or structured environment someone is bound to feel more privileged about something which naturally leads to problems. 

I'm sorry to say that I've yet to fully develop my opinion of the dynamics of the OR and it will be a process before I am able to conger up anything profound. In the mean time, rest assure that I am loathing it and will continue to analyze the vigorous work in the OR. 

If I'm honest about what I had intended to write, it was NOTHING like what came out and as I type I'm debating on whether or not there will be an additional post made today. I would like to say yes, but we know from my track record that I am far from consistent on this thing and probably won't be able to keep any promises about writing on this thing. 

One thing I can promise however, is that I am sure to continue the OR happenings. 

I'm still writing. Mostly because I want to get something off my chest. I must start a new post, only after I ponder on how to articulate myself well about what seems to be weighing ever so heavy on me. 

A thought I can't make clear

I believe its now been 2.5 weeks since I've written. This doesn't make me happy. The great news however, is that I now am changing that.

Let's see here. I've now made my move. I am successfully living back in the city and I may just be loving it. I wouldn't say that it was completely a success, that's mostly due to the fact that my helpers all fell though. All but one anyways. I will however say this, aside for leaving behind the dry food, pots, and Tupperware, we got everything and that is left for another day. You see, my roommate and I are now renters of 2 locations, and for being 22, I must say this is a proud moment. Sort of. I would like to say that this is giving me experience for when I own two homes, only, I'm not really rich and am barely swinging it, but for this month it's working. We'll talk in another month and I'll let you know how it goes.

Other than moving. I've had the joy of not having to fill up my gas tank 2 times this week, only spending about on average 15 minutes to drive to work instead of 40, and buying cheaper groceries. So far I'm ahead. I've also gone back to work and started running again. I'm hoping things will start working themselves out.

My latest dilemma has been about something rather broad. I'm trying to figure out what in the heck I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I've managed to stay afloat this long, but really, my life is just beginning. Yesterday I spent some time with my little brother who is 6 years old. While giving him a bath he asked me how much longer has to be in school. Before giving me a chance to answer he said, "4 more years huh? It's going to take for forever." I looked at him and smiled and said in a high pitched mildly squeaky tone, "nah, longer than that, about 11 more years bud." His mouth just dropped and was not only in awh, but somehow crushed. It was in that moment that I had this delayed epiphany that we spend the first 18 years of our life learning how to live the rest of our life. This has me perplexed. Our lives really don't start until we are out of college, that's when it seems we get this chance to change and grow and transform into who we really are, yet when all of that stops, it's like we have had the rug pulled out from underneath us. Sure we know what's expected of us and we seem to just go through the motions and do what needs to be done, but where is the fulfillment in our true destined vocation we've waited and worked so hard to achieve.

I supposed all of this has come to mind because along with this move, there are a number of things that needs their ends to be tied, and by that I mean answers to my questions and peace with my decisions. I'm having a hard time finding the right words and perhaps tomorrow I will have a clear mind on what point it is I'm trying to make, but right now, this movie is winning.

An Ugly Realization

 It's been too many days since I've written something and I'm breaking my own promises to myself. Self- you're so unreliable. In the last week I'm managed to make a great recovery and rid my dreaded crutches. I had a crack in the head of my femur right in my hip socket and was forced by doctors to be non weight baring for what has seemed like FOREVER. In real time, it was/3 1/2 weeks. Either way, they are gone and it's one less thing to worry about. 

 Along with that I've been preparing for my move. Can I just take a second and say UHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I realized today while packing with a friend that this move has been the one move I've actually contributed to. I packed all my clothes. That's it. It sounds a lot more pathetic having written that out, it seems way more rewarding to see all of my boxes laying on the ground stacked and ready to be hauled away. You know, this brings up a great point I've been trying to get across to myself for years now. No human should have as much crap as I do. I'm starting to wonder if I have pack rat syndrome. Hhhmm. It wasn't until I started offering clothes to my friend and said "are you sure you don't want it, I've only worn it once and when I bought it, I had to have it." She looked at me puzzled and said.. "ahh, you're one of those." I then proceeded to tell her about how for 2 weeks I bought new clothes because I lacked the mental ability to do laundry.  That brings us back to my problem while going thought this next move. I am realizing yet again I have too much crap. 

Swirls and Whirls

I don't know what to write about today. I've told myself that no matter, what once a day I would post on this darn thing. I have about 20 minutes left for me to make my post in this day. I have a lot of things swirling around in my head and am not sure what is worthy of my post. I'm drawing a blank. Many blanks. Dang it. Ah ha, I know. There has been a recent pattern I've been experiencing in the last week. I find myself in situations either with another person or myself in which I'm speechless in response with so much to say. What a paradox. I wonder if by saying anything when I don't know what to say is saying too much and not saying anything doesn't bring the self satisfaction I'd hope to have. I think what I'm trying to say is that, I have writers block. Shoot. Forget my tangent about patterns and swirls and lacking the ability  to properly articulating myself. So again. Lots on my mind and I can't get it out. I'll have to try again tomorrow.
                                     

The Basics Begin

I often wonder what people's incentive is. What's their motivation? For life, their career, for themselves. What is it that makes us decide what it is we want. Having asked myself that question as I typed it, I'm not sure that I can answer my own question. I'm thinking it has to do with the subjective definition of "happiness" and what it means to us individually. I'd like to say that for me, happiness means a successful career as a CRNA. I've spent the last 4 1/2 years jumping from major to major searching for the perfect fit. I settled on microbiology and neuroscience and decided that between the two I'd have no trouble getting into medical school. Of course this was after I was sure that English, psychology, sociology, and nursing were the perfect fit as well, 5th's time a charm?? It doesn't' matter now, what's important is that despite having to go back to school for my RN, I'm finally positive about something that I know will make me happy in my career. The dilemma now is, only fools are positive.

 Medical school wasn't a realistic option. It's very demanding and a great doctor I work with told me once, that unless you NEED to be a doctor, don't. I often contemplate that statement and try to understand what he meant. Who NEEDS to be a doctor? No one NEEDS to be anything when you think about it. We are forced to choose a suitable career for ourselves in order to make our desired life. I have no such complaints about choosing something I love to do to fill my time. Back to my point. Being a physician was a step up from nursing which felt like a settlement, and yet the next step up to me felt too demanding. Is there a happy medium? I'm sure it could be argued, but that's not really my issue. I know what MY happy medium is and with that, I will divide and conquer. (This would be a great point for me to bookmark and "CNTRL S" per say.) In 2 years when I'm chasing what I'm describing to be fulfilling, the happy medium will have consumed my life and drove me up a wall. And knowing me, in addition to my moving addiction, changing my mind about what I want will be to follow, (typical woman) and I will have convinced myself that another career will better suit me and my needs. I won't mention the fact that as a CRNA you get to sub specialize like a physician but aren't stuck in it. You take call, but have the flexibility with hours and share the responsibility with 50-70+ colleagues. The pay is more than generous right out of school, and you spend half the time working for the same responsibility. With that said, I'm realizing I've talked myself in a circle and for self soothing purposes only, I'm sticking to being a CRNA. It's more than enough for me and with that, I rest my case.

Beginnings

Here we go. I've never blogged about anything before. I've always been rather against the whole idea. I remember when I first got Facebook or rather a "MySpace", my mother asked me "is that that blogging stuff?" Being 12 and reading too much into her tone and immediately paranoid, my immediate response was, "NO MOM, that's not even close to MySpace". I just remember walking away thinking, what in the heck is a blog. Needless to say, through the years and personal curiosity I've explored and gathered that a blog is a page on the internet where you write either your most personal thoughts, experiences or give advice that you yourself are still trying to take. Either way, I have decided to indulge thanks to a very good friend and I'll be honest, I don't hate it.

I'm not sure where to begin or because I've written my first paragraph, maybe it's more of what comes next, what I am sure of however, is that "the basics" are always a good place to fall back on , mostly because it allows for doors to open and puts my mind more at ease that I'm going to be publicly displaying my life online. With that said, I think I'm ready.

I'm 22 soon to be 23 and have had a lot of great life experiences thus far. I live in a bubble of my own thoughts yet am an extroverted social overachiever. I enjoy spending my time with people. I've recently accepted that fact that I don't do well with alone time or when I have too much time on my hands, hints why I've taken the advice to start a blog, but rather, this is an outlet. A place where I feel comfortable to write things that I want people to know. After all, it is just me and my computer when this all takes place and that's what I must keep remembering. Isn't there a song like that, just me and my dog, or me and my…. something. It will come to me later.

I'm 22 soon to be 23 and we've established so far that even though I've made a blog, I'm not entirely accepting of the idea, nonetheless I'm following through with it. Along with that, we've summed up that I don't like spending too much time alone and enjoy the company of others, and I've indulged into yet another realm of the internet world. At this point, I'm realizing I'm pretty average. I'll take it.

I love to move even though I hate moving. I usually end up having some type of mental brake down and the people around me usually end up cleaning up my mess. Normally I give thanks and do a nice gesture, only because I'm addicted to moving, that's no longer sufficient for my helpers.  You see, for someone who loathes moving so much, it's practically my hobby. In the last 4.5 years, I've moved 8 times, and I'm getting ready to move in 2 weeks. My current location has been the shortest of all my stays. A whopping 6 months. Some people who know that their living situation are temporary will sign leases for that long or have plans for what is next. I however, am breaking my lease and moving 45 minutes away. After I've spent the last 4 out of the 6 months unpacking. In spite of that all, I'm excited to move. It will be a money saving, door opening move. Denver has opportunity, as any large city would and though this next move will also be short lived, it will have allowed for more time to make and set a plan that is tangible and realistic, because sometimes we have to take steps backwards in order to take a step forward.