So I think I've figured it out. I believe I can finally understand what it is that takes me so long to make my points and get into the meat of things. It's taken me all afternoon, but after being honest with myself and doing some hard thinking and negotiating, my talk with me has resonating inside for the last 2 hours and at this point, I'm saying all in. no holding back. here it is, out on the line.
I am afraid. I think I'm attempting to use this as an outlet and a place where no one who really knows me reads this with the exception of 2 people and so I feel comfortable indulging in my biased opinions and plastering them in cyber world. On the flip side I have this irrational fear that I'm writing for someone else who won't approve of what I'm typing, which is completely bogus. If I'm honest here, no one reads this darn thing which somedays is a major relief, but somedays a complete burn out. I guess I'm not sure what it was I was expecting to get from my 'blogging' experience, but I didn't imagine it would be like this. I put it on a pedestal and glorified what I was expecting. I suppose that's due to the fact that there is this stereotype with blogging, that it allows for mass followers and new stranger relationships to develop, and because I'm not experiencing that, I'm butt hurt. Sigh. Now knowing all of that I will proceed with this evenings post.
I am currently trying to put things back in order in my life. I'm standing at the fork in the road feeling as though I should probably start making some decisions, yet instead I continue to keep staring in both directions in hopes that a decision will be made for me. The only problem with that, is that if the right decision isn't made I will bitch and whine until it is, making the whole process a waste.
At this point I'm sure you're wondering what decision needs to be made, which presumably is a logical and rational question, that unfortunately lacks a mindful and heroic answer on my part. Yes, I am wondering what the fork is for and what it is I'm supposed to be deciding.
Okay hold on. I've confused myself. Let me piece this together. I want to put things back together in my life, I'm at a fork in the road and want someone to decide which way I should go because I am incapable of doing so, only if they make the wrong decision I will make such fuss that I will have ended up deciding . I then had hoped to give an explanation of what it is I was deciding about, only I don't even know what it is I'm deciding. MAN, I make no sense.
I think what I was trying to say before my defense mechanism kicked in and forced me to create a fumbling mess. The real issue lies in the fact is that I am unable to process any emotion and or react to it. It's like I've created the monster me. I have all these things happen and instead of leaning on the people I need I keep it inside. That can be a typical response for some people who lack trust for others. Anyways, this is about me, because if I start worrying about other people we will be here for another 7 hours. Okay- back to the thought process. I push my feelings inside and don't allow me to react because I am afraid. Of what? Feeling vulnerable, maybe but not really. If I had to make an inference of any sort it would be that I am afraid of what people will think. That I will be made more human perhaps. I can't find the logic in it, but it feels fitting. With that, if I actually talked about things that would me that I would have to deal with them, and apparently I'm too stubborn for that. I am hoping that I am able to sort thought this but in the mean time, I have a friend who's stuck to me pretty hard and seems to like to manipulate my mind. So in the mean time before I open my mouth but nothing comes out and inside I'm baring my face balling wanting someone to just force it out. I don't even know what that means. I don't even know how I want it out. I just … I'm longing for something. Sometimes I wish Molly would do it. She has once, but now I'm harding my shell. I am unable to cry and make me talk to me. I only hear my voice.
So back to the start. This isn't working. I figured out what the problem is, but now I am lost of how to fix it. I'm dwindling down. and my head seems too heavy to lift up. So smiles and laugh shall continue. I'm an adult. I can do this right?
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