This morning I did NOT want to get up, but I did. Boo. Went to the Mayo and had my autonomic nervous system testing done. I had patches put on the left side of my body and monitors on my chest. They injected a synthetic acytecholine under the patches to see if I was going to sweat. I then did a shorter version of the tilt table test (oh BOY, we all know how much fun that was) they then had me do some breathing test based off a light, and then blow into this mouth piece. That's all and I was out of there. I went to the caf and called Maggie to chat. I'm excited, she's coming Wednesday and staying until Friday. We are gonna tear it up- not. When she comes in I only have one test.. It's Az daddy's b day thing in the evening. We might shop while she is here, I'm EXCITED! Friday is a busy testing day holy my moly.
They cancelled my CT scan today. I've been on the phone with the doctor many times today. I got my results from my blood test.. they came back positive for Cushing's Syndrome. They are to do further testing to confirm. That means I can't get a picc or port for a while. They finally figured out and rescheduled my MRI for my brain.. I'm hoping things will smooth themselves out.
This morning a lot of things were running through my head. My relationship, my family and how they are dealing with all of this, how much I miss my friends, and how for the first time in my life I'm doing me. I am not half assing it, I can't. I am away from everything, my life is completely on hold in Colorado and I am focused on fixing me. It's kind of crazy. My life is in shambles I feel like. This is causing tension on so many areas of my life not to mention that I really don't have a house to go home to. Sure I can stay with my family, but let's be real------ if you know anything about me, that's not the most desirable or first option that I'd find a great thing to be going home to. Doesn't matter, either way, it's a roof over my head and I'll be cared for.
Okay pause- they doctor and hospital has called now 5 times. They keep moving things around. THIS- THAT- THIS- THAT- THIS-THAT- ... FIGURE IT OUT. Okay I'm going to go get a Picc line, Oh wait not I'm not. OH MY WORD!
Anyways, people keep telling me not to stress about moving, but I am going to have to grow up when I get back. I don't even know what to expect. What kind of condition am I going to be in? When is surgery? Are they going to fix everything? I want to go to grad school, I want to move on with my life. OH MY WORD I'm going insane. Oh my. Not really..I'm bring dramatic.
I want a cool group of friends. The kind that hang out all the time. Maybe I'm wanting a better community. Or I am wanting change. I'm not sure. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon. In the mean time I want to go on a beach vacation and have a banging body. I want to be happy. I mean I am happy, this is coming out ALL wrong. I think I just got a wave of insecurity and am afraid I won't be fulfilled even if I go after what it is I do want. I think this is sounding more depressing than it needs to. Eff. My point is, I just am missing the normalcy of my life and am forcing to deal with the reality and seriousness of my health. Today it hit me, I'm sick and it's going to get worse before it get's better.
It's 3:21pm right now and I have lots more day left. If anything exciting happens I'll write again..I don't believe me when I type that... haha. YOU NEVER KNOW.
Thank you Az momma, momma bear, family, friends and everyone else.
........I'm needing some serious retail therapy. It's a good thing I feel bad about driving their car, otherwise I'd have those Frye boots in my procession- like last week. I NEED TO SPEND MONEY--- WAHHHH!
My Frye Boots. I'll have them by Friday.
Okay I have a few things to say here:
ReplyDelete1) Chill. You're going to be fine and so will everything here in CO. Dont stress. And you dont need to worry about moving. There are enough of us here who can cover that for you just fine. And grad school will always be there (trust me), so dont fret.
2) You knock it off with the body stuff. You are gorgeous and your body is already bangin. Remember what I said...like it's your job.
3) When Maggie comes and you go shopping, tell her to tone down the pace. You're not power walkers. You'll have plenty of time to power walk the mall in sweat suits when you're 70. Speaking of suits, maybe you can buy a new swimsuit for that bangin body ;)
4) I dont know what you have to be insecure about. And being afraid of not being fulfilled after you go after what you want is only going to set you up for not being fulfilled. Let go of the insecurities and take things one step at a time. If you're going to go after something, go after it. No messing around. And if you go after something and it fails or doesnt end up the way you wanted, at least you put your whole heart in to it. If it's meant to be, it will be.
Lastly, life is life. Nothing is 'ideal' and everybody's definition of normalcy is going to be different. It is what you make it. It sounds like you're staying with an amazing woman in AZ and having a good time while you're there. That's all you need to do. Dont worry about anything else. I'll take it all from here. Now, take your bangin body and go tan or do something that people in hell weather usually do :)
You're such a great friend! Thanks for the response! Thank you. You're right... One step at a time.
ReplyDeleteI think where I start to panic is when I feel like I'm losing my sense of control. Call me human.